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我已剪短我的发,开始学习爱与被爱

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我已剪短我的发,开始学习爱与被爱

我们在爱不对等的环境下学习爱。真正的、成熟的爱,是有时让自己的要求服从对方的需要。

​​Curiously we speak of love as one thing rather than discerning the two very different varieties that lie beneath a single word: being loved and loving. It appears that we can only make a relationship work properly when we are finally ready to do the latter and are aware of our unnatural, immature fixation on the former.

奇怪的是,我们把爱看成是一回事,而没有区分在这个词背后的两个截然不同的词:爱和被爱。似乎只有当我们终于准备好了接受后者,并意识到我们对于前者非自然、非成熟的迷恋时,我们才能拥有一段正常的关系。

We start knowing only about being loved. It comes to seem very wrongly like the norm. To the child it feels as if the parent is simply spontaneously on hand to comfort, guide, entertain, feed, clear up while remaining almost always warm and cheerful. The parents don't reveal how often they've bitten their tongue, fought back the tears, and been too tired to take off their clothes after a day of childcare.

当我们被爱时,我们才开始了解爱。看起来非常不符合标准。对于孩子来说,这感觉就像是父母自然而然地随时随地给予的安慰、引导、娱乐、喂养、清理,而剩下的感觉几乎总是温暖愉快的。父母不会透露,他们多久咬过自己的舌头,强忍住眼泪,在一天的照看孩子之后,累得都不想脱衣服。

We learn of love in an entirely non-reciprocal context. The parent loves but they don't expect the favour to be returned in any significant way. The parent doesn't get upset when the child doesn't notice the new haircut or ask carefully calibrated questions about how the meeting at work went or suggest that the parent go upstairs and take a much needed nap. Parent and child may both love, but each party is on a very different end of the axis – unbeknownst to the child.

我们在一个爱完全不对等的环境下学习爱。父母爱孩子,但他们并不期待付出的爱将来会以某种重要的形式得到回报。当孩子没有注意到父母新做的发型,或者没有仔细斟酌,询问一些工作上会议如何进行的问题,或者没有建议父母上楼去打个非常必要的盹,父母不会因此感到不安或生气。父母和孩子可能彼此相爱,但每方都处于轴不同的一端——孩子并不知道。

This is why in adulthood when we first say we long for love what we predominantly mean is that we want to be loved as we were once loved by a parent. We want a recreation in adulthood of what it felt like to be administered to and indulged. In a secret part of our minds, we picture someone who will understand our needs, bring us what we want, be immensely sympathetic and patient towards us, act selflessly and make it all better.

这就是为什么当我们成人后,我们第一次说渴望爱的时候,我们主要指的是希望被爱,因为我们曾经被父母所爱。我们希望拥有成年期的娱乐感,感觉被照顾、被宠溺。在我们思想的秘密部分,我们想象着有人会理解我们的需要,带给我们想要的一切,以极大地同情和耐心对待我们,无私地付出,让一切都更加美好。

This is – naturally – a disaster for our unions. For any relationship to work we need to move firmly out of the position of the child and into that of the parent. We need to become someone who can sometimes subordinate their own demands to the needs of another.

自然,这对我们的联合来说是一个灾难。因为想要让任何关系良好,我们必须坚定地从孩子的位置上脱离,进入父母的位置。我们需要成为一个有时能将自己的要求服从他人需要的人。

To be adults in love we have to learn – perhaps for the very first time – to do something truly remarkable: for a time at least to put someone else ahead of us. That's what true, mature love actually is, much to everyone's initial surprise.

要成为恋爱中的成人,我们必须学习——也许是第一次——去做真正了不起的事情:至少在某个时刻把别人放在我们前面。那才是真正的、成熟的爱,对每个人都是最初的惊喜。​​​​

 

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